#afterbabybeauty

I know I show “after” pictures, and I know that when I take them I try to look my best. But, I see the flaws. We are all our hardest critics, right? I have so many “flaws” that I pick on myself for, I blame them on the fact I missed a workout, or I must have ate too much of something. I compare myself to women who have amazing and perfect bodies. Everyone is different, and not all women can have perfect stomachs after children. I am one of those. I got down to 17% body fat (pretty amazing for a female, and a record for me.) The moment they told me was bitter sweet. I was thrilled that the hard work paid off, 21 day fix changed my health. Then, I poked at my stomach and told the women, “really? 17%? Is it ALL in my stomach!?”

I have had two amazing children. My son was 8.5 pounds. I’m small…5’1” and petite. The German doctor couldn’t believe he was my son. I had a second C-section in Jan of 2011 and let it be my excuse for not trying. I finally changed my lifestyle and lost the extra weight. Last year I did the 21 Day Fix and I still follow the plan today, at least 80% of the time.

It’s getting warmer out, and a lot of moms out there don’t wear two piece bikinis because they feel like that’s not their right, as mothers we have sacrificed that “sexiness” and that perfect stomach. Who wants to look at that? Well, who cares! We have worked hard. There is no rule that says people have to look a certain way. Genetics made me the way I am, and I have stretch marks and saggy skin. I’m tired of hiding. I don’t own a two piece swimsuit yet…but this year may be different. Moms, ladies, care to join me in being proud of these marks? Doing more than posting quotes and meme’s on Pinterest, but showing the world true beauty comes in a million different forms. #afterbabybeauty

Mrs. Rainbows and butterflies has her moments too.

You all know her. The mom that’s always smiling. The friend who will drop it all to have coffee with you. The sister who is always telling you to look on the bright side. The workout buddy who is always pushing hard, and keeping you motivated. The wife who happily hands you breakfast in the morning, and hugs you when you get home from work. You all know her.

That women who is smiling, who has that perfect life. Two adorable kids, a rock solid marriage, a couple of crazy dogs, and the chickens that she swoons over. Make up free, t shirt wearing confident women. Yeah, she struggles too.

Those moments in the morning where she would rather bury her head under the pillow after what feels like close to seven years of sleepless nights. Her four year old daughter doesn’t sleep in her own bed most nights, and if she is lucky enough to escape her daughter climbing in bed with her and kicking her half the night, than her son will wake her up with that evil poking finger for some reason or another. It’s a struggle sometimes to hand her husband that coffee, without also feeling like he should be catering to her, for once. Some days are hard. Some days she feels like the maid, the chef, and the slave to the others in the house.

Yeah. Today was that day. I woke up a bit angry, on the wrong side edge of the bed because my daughter was kicking me. I woke up tired, once again. When will I get a break? Even on the days I get to “sleep in” I have to ask someone to let the dogs out, can they not hear them whining?! I have to wake up and feed them, because no one realizes it’s a daily task. Regardless, today was not a day of sleeping in. I woke up grumpy….but put a smile on my face and told myself that life is good and I need to fix this attitude. I made myself some eggs, and as I was about to enjoy them my husband finally woke up….I didn’t have to, but because I’m a nice wife I let my eggs get cold as I made him whatever he wanted. I handed him the second cup of coffee that I was in desperate need of. Of course, if I hadn’t he wouldn’t have said a word. I could have sat down and not offered, and he would have poured himself a bowl of cold cereal. But, that’s not me.

I love my life, and I truly feel blessed beyond belief for what I have. I know what I have, and thankful for it. But, I have my moments too. I try not to show them, and I try and be the typical happy go lucky, life is full of sunshine, kind of gal. But, sometimes you just have to be real. Sometimes you have to buckle down and get all that stuff out of your way so you can find that smile again.

It’s not the kids, or husband, or dogs. It’s me.

I’ve been having time management issues, doing 100 things at once and getting nothing done. I felt guilty and angry when I found out my husband didn’t have a clean shirt to wear today. What kind of wife am I?! I felt hurt and betrayed when he went to work early, even though he didn’t have to. I should be happy he’s such a great soldier. I feel like these feelings are coming from a different place, and being directed wrong. If my time management skills were better I wouldn’t feel like the weeks were flying by and I didn’t have time for homework, housework, mom and wife duties, and then not even being able to start my garden I so badly want and need to start. I don’t allow myself to enjoy those things until I’ve earned them….and if I didn’t wash my husband’s clothes enough this week I sure don’t deserve to mow the lawn or get my hands in the dirt.

Sometimes we have to step back and take responsibilities for our feelings, and really look in the mirror. I wasn’t angry at my husband today, I was angry at myself. I’ll do better next week…

Stop hiding, don’t try and shame me.

The fine line between being true to yourself, or making someone happy. I am a kind person, anyone who really knows me knows they can ask me just about anything and I will go out of my way to help. Good friends know that if I say something that can be offensive to speak up and ask for an explanation. Others in my life smile and nod, turn around and talk badly of me. I keep letting things like this bother me, I keep thinking “what if..” and “maybe they thought…” But I am done.

Part of it is my weight loss, my bettering of myself, and my happiness. I’m not even joking, I have this feeling people like to hate on the happy. How dare I be happy. I’m not someone who has a lot of money, I drive simple cars, I have a modest home, and I am really nothing special. How dare I post pictures of me working on myself, showing people that if you choose, you can be happy, healthy, and lose that weight. I suppose I should hide behind my baggy clothes, hide behind some facade that I am just too good to spread the word that I am willing to help!! Maybe it’s rude of me to tell people they can find a way to fit exercise and healthy eating into their lives! Trust me, I don’t push it on people, anyone who is not interested can let me know. I don’t care if you are overweight or unhealthy and happy! GOOD!! I just want to be the person that people who want help go to. If you don’t want help, then keep smiling, and I will smile and wave.

To tell the truth it hurts my feelings, and offends me, when people think I am cocky and rude, or some kind of fake person. Guess what, this is really me. I am happy. I am crazy busy and I can make it work. I take full time classes, my man is deployed, I am on a budget, I’m a stay at home mom who takes care of the housework, yard work, and babysitting. I am not bragging, I am simply letting people know if they want to, they can make it happen!!

I guess people let that fine line blur between being confident and cocky, being strong and rude, being kind and a know-it-all, being proud and being arrogant….and I think these are people who choose to see in a negative light, because those close to me see me in a much different way.

I refuse to play the game. I will continue to smile this true, honest smile. I will continue to be proud of the hard work that I have done, while being willing to take on even more to help another. I will continue to be happy and satisfied with my life, while bettering myself each day, working towards a better me, and competing with myself each and everyday. My happiness, my life, my goals and my love are going to keep on growing. I will not hide and be ashamed, I will not let the negative attitudes harm my glow. I will be me. I will be honest, and strong, and break barriers because that’s simply what I do. I weight-lift, I garden, I wash chicken poop off eggs, fold clothes and cook dinners for my family. I work out and eat right because I love this life so so so much and I don’t want to miss any time living this life with my babies and my man because I was choosing the easy road, and I wont dim my light because you feel I outshine you. I am happy.

This, is a release, a breather, a start over. I will not worry anymore about people who can’t see my true nature. I’m sorry if you are sad, I’m sorry if you can not find it in you to be proud of me or to walk along side me. If I upset you, you should say something. I’m done letting that little piece of negative nature in my life. I am done being worried about somehow offending someone. I am done letting the world dim my shine. There are so many people who need more light in their lives, not less, and I will find a way to reach them. I will light that candle of desire, that lit path to the strength they need. I am here for you, I am willing, and I am determined to help people find this amazing happiness I have found. I don’t know how I changed, but I know one day I woke up a different person. I was lighter, I wasn’t angry anymore, and I wasn’t unhappy with myself anymore. I am beyond blessed and will continue to spread love and joy. Be strong, be yourself, stop letting people to tell you to calm your excitement, to cover your true emotions. If you are angry, scream, paint, throw your anger out on paper….if you are happy, be. Be who you are and how you feel, and stop being shamed into a box. I want real people in my lives, sadness, tears, anger, happiness, and love. Children know how to show emotions and something along the way forces us to start to hide those, and that’s not healthy.

This is my jumbled mess of words on paper, full of grammatical errors. This, is my emotions on paper. This is how I deal. Now I can sleep calmly. Now, I am done.

“Success is simple. Do what’s right, the right way, at the right time.” ~Arnold H. Glasow

Sometimes I think of myself as simpleminded…not foolish, not sheltered, not someone who can’t think complexly…but someone who sees the world in right and wrong, someone who can’t seem to comprehend certain things, even if I know they exist.

Here are some examples:

When I have a job, I do it. My first job was working at Arby’s. I was barely 18, still in high school, taking college classes, and working at Arby’s. I didn’t like my job really, it was gross, all the grease, working with (and for) pot heads and stoners. But, I always showed up on time, sober, and did what I was supposed to do. I wore my hair up, wore the stupid visor and the nasty shirt without complaint. I did what I was supposed to do, and I was pretty much the only one who would work hard. I didn’t mind, because, that was my job. I knew it wouldn’t be amazing or pretty, I knew it was going to be a typical fast food job, but I said I would do it for the pay I was earning, so I did. Some people don’t take work seriously, “it’s just a job.” Just a job?! You gave your word that you would be there, that you would work, that you would show up and do your best. Some people show up, and half-ass their way through the job, not thinking that it matters. Me? I can’t. I try hard at everything. If I fail at something, it’s not because I didn’t try. I guess it’s just the way I am.

Honesty…telling the truth. I can’t help it, I’m not going to say I have never lied, I have. I think we all have…but I can tell you that I probably have not lied (at least on purpose) for a very long time. If I do lie, it’s probably to protect someone. The neighbor kids come to play, I say, “My kids can’t play, it’s time for naps.” Or something….I don’t say, “Due to liability and the fact you guys don’t listen to me, I don’t trust you, and I don’t want you in my home, my kids will not be playing with you. Oh yeah, and I don’t let my kids play in the street, I know, I’m kind of overbearing and mean huh?” But I don’t lie, normally. I don’t understand lying. People sneak around on spouses, they lie about where they spend their money, and they make up things to sound smart, or pretend they are a subject expert at something, why? I don’t understand. I have no problem making that face, (ya know, the half frown, raised eyebrow face?) and shrugging my shoulders to show people, “I have no idea!” I’m not afraid of my faults, of my lack of knowledge in certain areas. I know that if I wanted to, I could Google, YouTube, and even go to the library or call someone who was an expert to learn about it if need be. I guess I just don’t get it. If you are doing something you feel the need to lie about, why do it? If I don’t want someone to know something, I simply won’t bring it up. If confronted with a question about it, I would tell the truth, and explain my reasoning behind not disclosing that information beforehand.

 

Rules…ugh rules!! I’m a slave to rules. Due dates, I meet them if it means staying up crazy hours, working harder then I should, and suffering. Littering, you will NEVER catch me littering. Wet wipes, sucker sticks…I have shoved it all in my pockets and my Coach purse or carried it around in my hand until I found a garbage can. I cannot litter, and if I see someone litter, I normally mumble (too loudly) about how lazy people can be and do not stop my children who are just as appalled as I am to say things about how litter bugs kill trees. I will be turning 30 in March, and so far have never had a ticket, speeding, parking, or otherwise. I have sped, and will speed, but normally I try hard to obey all rules. I use my blinker in parking lots (thank you dad) and I can’t park all messed up. I drive a truck, and I will pull out and re-park until I think it is good enough. My kids and my friends are warned, “Do not take off your seatbelt until the engine is off!” And, sometimes even then I open the door and say, “Oh! Wait, I’m crooked!” Rules are important to me, I don’t know what made me the way I am, but I like to give credit to my parents.

 

I call myself simpleminded, I know what it means, and I know I am no fool. (Ask my husband, I remind him sometimes. Ha!) But, I see the world in a simple way, I know people are complex and confusing, but I don’t think like that. I am sure people have said things that could be taken wrong, and I know many times people think I’m being snide or rude, but very often I say exactly what I mean. Sometimes it can come off as mean or harsh, but if you truly know me, you know if I was trying to be rude I wouldn’t do it in a snide manner. Remember, I’m simpleminded, if I am mad at you, or angry, I will say so. Once again, ask my husband! I don’t get mad often, but sometimes I do and sometimes it’s over something like a misunderstanding. I’m lucky, my husband is a laid back, wonderful man, and if he has mistakenly done something or said something to hurt my feelings I tell him. I may wait until we are driving home, or the kids are in bed, but I ask him, “What did you mean by that?” Or, “It hurt my feelings when…” and I think that it saves us from a lot of fighting. Rather than carry around the hurt or anger I bring it up and we talk about it. 99% of the time there is a perfectly good explanation, I was mistaken, or his reasons make sense once I think about it and I am over it.

 

Maybe I am too black and white, simple and boring. I love white tee shirts, jeans and flip flops. I love black coffee and chickens. I am all about my family and to me vacation means coffee in my PJ’s without chores. It’s hard for me to sit still, I always feel like I need to be doing something. I always have chores to do. I am pretty sure I am the busiest and least productive person all at the same time. I think I may get that from my father as well…For example, today I dusted, swept, cleaned the living room and took care of the animals. I sorted papers and cleaned up outside. I even attempted to mow the lawn but then realized I was out of gas. I got a lot done, but I should have got a lot more done. I have been meaning to clean my room, I mean really clean it well, for weeks and still have not. I need to clean out my car, and have been avoiding it like it is some tough chore. But there is tomorrow, and I will tackle more chores. But before I start, I promised my daughter I would make her pancakes in the morning. I really do love my simple little life. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I miss you so well…

My husband. Best friend. Lover. Soul mate. Better half…Matthew.

Our families love that we work together, smile for our happiness, and should start planning that big 50 year Reunion.

We work SO well, we respect each-other, and haters think it’s a facade. We don’t base our love or relationship off others, we don’t let their pain and their hate burn us.

Matt and I met in the Army, and went from friends to spouses. We had a crazy past but it never involved anger and hate, a bit of pain, but no hate. I loved him the moment I put two and two together. I had been in a few “serious” relationships, but they always seemed like work. When it hit me that we were pretty much perfect, and that this is what love was, I refused to let go. (Thanks to my mom’s advice I will never forget! “Either fight for what you want, or let go and walk away.”) Well, I’ll admit it, I’m a fighter.

I am happy, I feel like something hit me this year, something that slowly was making it’s way into my day to day life, but one day it was like a waterfall flowing over me….I’m so happy. I’m a positive, happy, bright sunshiny day kind of person. I became a morning person, black coffee and cuddles from kids. I find joy in almost everything, and see the happy side to so many things.

These last five months so many things have gone “wrong”. My truck needed brakes, my dog made me call a plumber, a pipe leaked all over (separate incident!), my kids had cavities, I am taking on a million tasks, I had to build a dog pen…and I know there is more. But, I conquered all with a smile on my face. Joked about getting a workout sweating my butt off digging post holes, tried hard to do everything on my own and sucked it up enough to ask for help if I needed it….

And oh yeah, this whole time my man has been deployed.

Guess what? I was, and am happy. This deployment just showed me, encouraged me, and challenged me to make the most of it. We still talk, we laugh, and we plan our future. We are both smiling, because we are still together, just a world away.

Nothing will get between us, not time, not distance, not life.

We are together.

We miss each-other so well.

My secret? Goals, (and a lovely respected marriage) Since he has been away we have both became healthier, I have shown I can do this, I can be his wife and be strong when he is gone. I don’t need him, I don’t depend on him, I don’t crumble when he is away. I thrive, I step up, and I love him more for being proud of me. He was thrilled when he ask, “how are you?” and without pause I said,

“I am happy! I miss you…but I am happy. I know it sounds terrible, but I am doing SO well.”

His response? “Me too, I’m glad!”

It was one of those moments, when you can really feel the love someone has for you. It was the first week he left, and the moment I knew for sure, “I got this, we’ll be great.”

 

I want to be…But until then…

I want to be that lady that seems to have so much time on her hands.

I want to be that person who refinishes furniture as a hobby, crafts for fun, and is overflowing with creativity.

I want to be the friend who has a spotless house, no matter what! Who keeps up on chores and never feels overwhelmed. Who can drop by and bring something home-cooked, with love and kindness, to share with a friend.

I want to be that mom who goes to the park three times a week, sits down and does something crafty and fun with her kids everyday, makes desserts with them often, and never gets frustrated. The mom who has time to volunteer at the school and all the kids adore.

I want to be the wife who always looks so well put together, and always has a fancy dinner on the table. The wife who bakes for his coworkers and is known for her awesome kitchen skills.

I want to be the women of the house who has a perfect lawn, lots of flowers (that never die) and waves to each neighbor that drives by, while wearing pretty garden gloves and one of those hats only people on TV seem to be able to pull off while gardening.

But until then…

I will be that lady that is always rushing, multitasking to the point it is unproductive.

I will be that person who has the skills needed to refinish something, and has done so due to being broke, too cheap, and thrifty to a fault. That person who has more ideas then time and money to bring them to life.

I will be that friend that constantly seems to be cleaning, yet never has a spotless house. There are dusty blinds and clutter, but it’s a welcoming home, and you are always invited in for fresh coffee. I am that friend that will bring half a baked good, because Lord knows I would eat it all if I didn’t. Plus, I love to share things that end up tasting pretty darn good. I am that friend that in spite of feeling overwhelmed I have a smile on my face, and no clue my hair looks like it does…pretty sure it is never effected by gravity.

I am that mom that doesn’t go out much, but I will let my kids sit on me and climb on me, read them stories daily, and manage to have fun in spite of it all. I am that mom that will drive all the way to Hobby Lobby on a whim because my kids are darn good and deserve it sometimes. I am that mom that gets frustrated and yells, but always makes sure to sit down and explain why, no matter the reason. I am that mom that doesn’t make dessert often, but when I do it’s from scratch. I am the mom who has a lot to do, but when the school is having a planting day, I will go out of my way to volunteer and donate pots and my time-Because it’s something I am passionate about.

I am the wife who greets my husband every time he walks in the door, we don’t fight, and I almost always have something made for dinner. I am that wife, the Army wife, who keeps the house in order and “holds down the fort” when my husband has to leave for six months. I am that wife who may look like a mess, but my husband never sees it that way. I am the wife who is put together enough that I never once cried myself to sleep, let my stress or loneliness leak through to my children, and kept the house a positive place no matter what. I am loyal, I am honest, and I am the luckiest wife in the world.

I am the women of the house who refuses to hire someone to do work I am perfectly capable of, the one who will mow, weed eat, and pull weeds by hand. I am the women of the house who is not too good to clean up dog poop or care for my beloved chickens. Who, despite killing plants, continues to grow flowers and tries to make things look good. I will wave my dirt laden hand to my neighbors while yelling “good morning!” and wearing my hole-y jeans and my t-shirts.

Until then, I will live this life that I am so blessed to have. I will smile through the grime, and my kids will enjoy each day we spend at home, because we have learned to enjoy the little things.